My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
MIDGETS
????
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
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