I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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