He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
