Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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