Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
