im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
