my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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