why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
