Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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