you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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