T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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