just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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