I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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