Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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