I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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