my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
