his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
