remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
