They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
