my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
And the cops told us we were all naked.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Randomize
