my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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