Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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