I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
