He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
