I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
