Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Acid is not a monday night drug
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
