he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.