I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.