Apparently you make a good broom.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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