Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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