you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I believe in your delicious
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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