ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
