Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
do herpes really smell.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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