I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
