i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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