His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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