AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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