Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
