thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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