We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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