Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
