you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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