I faked an abortion last night.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
