She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
