we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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