Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
