Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
