Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
