I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
