found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Randomize
