it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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