I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
