You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
