I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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