I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
