It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Randomize
